When I grow up,

I want to be Bernard Black

because

- drinking wine and smoking fags is a perfectly reasonable way to while away your life
- there's no problem so big that another glass of wine and a fag will not make it look less intimidating
- being anti-social and cranky can be made to look charming and endearing with just one more glass of wine and a fag
- owning your own bookshop beats working and is a great way to give you and your friends a place to hang out where they can drink wine and smoke fags.

"Bernard: Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...this is fantastic. I'm in heaven."